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About Leaving

by DOWNHAUL

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1.
How Things Worked Out (free) 03:40
I took your phone call in my parents' unfinished basement I guess I somehow thought the echo made me sound taller And you knew exactly just who I was And at the time that probably made one of us And you were the sum total of every equation that I had ever known Which was admittedly few Well I ended up in your town late last summer And we planned to meet for dinner But I flaked when you filled me in It was obvious and I'm still embarrassed, somewhere between self-centered and self-preservation So now we've got even less to show for all these years of whatever we haven't been But I can't resent you If anything, it's my fault--but how the hell am I supposed to cope when half the state belongs to you? Now I only come home about twice a year I'm not proud to say that, it's just how things work out Now I an extra two and a half miles east just to avoid the bank where your mom works And I know it's total vanity to assume she'd have even the slightest clue as to who I am But that's all I've got Well no one in my life now Would even recognize your name But I felt a a little better when I realized You could surely say the same
2.
Every few weeks I wake up in the middle of the night With the insatiable urge to apologize to you And while I'm not completely sure exactly what I’m sorry for I know you’d never pass up an easy shot at me So I'll wait ‘til your birthday, and I call Knowing you won’t answer It’s such a relief, each time Cuz I don’t know what I’d say I remember the way you talked Faster and faster as you got excited And how I’d never try to slow you down Always twisting your hair in knots Counting the exits along the interstate As you convinced yourself to leave town Every few weeks my mind slips to the living room floor Of your parents’ brick house on that quiet street Your little sister asking when she was gonna see me again And I didn’t have half the heart to tell her straight That I’d parked outside your house For what’d prove to be the last time But maybe I didn’t know then At least that’s what I’ll tell myself I remember the way you looked at me With no trace of anger anywhere in your face As I did what I thought was right Still twisting your hair in knots Letting me bleed until silence overtook us And I turned off the light Well, you deserve the world I simply do not deal in planets And all this time burned by Just not in the way we planned it We haven't talked in years Which I know is what you needed more But I don't know how you feel anymore I don't know how you feel anymore
3.
(Interlude) 02:18
Well I'm so tired Of waking up next to you That I've decided Done all that all I can do To win you over I can't take another test I'll wait until you're sober To tell you I've got nothing left
4.
Always Talk 05:11
Well you always talk about leaving Like my mother talks about God At least I can trust that she means it While we both know you're all talk You talk about major cities Like it'd be such a fix for you As if public transit can help mend your mindset And erase all that you've been through You hate where we come from and somehow that's my fault Our town in the mountains of gypsum and rock salt You tell me self-medication Is something you can manage despite all the damage of half-hearted rain checks and prescription pain meds Your own form of retaliation I've seen your apartment, I've seen how you live now You're back where you started, but you won't admit how Half my friends are homesick And half my friends are the opposite You're begging me to promise I'll visit you there You're saying I owe you one, I'll always owe you one You always talk about leaving I'll always owe you one Well I'm sorry I haven't called, I just don't want to It's selfish, I know that--I'm just still shaken up And I guess I just try to believe that you'd be okay Another lie I told myself to cover you up

about

Thanks to Robbie, P.J., Tyler and Riley.

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released April 24, 2017

Recorded with Kris Hilbert at Legitimate Business in Greensboro, NC.

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DOWNHAUL Richmond, Virginia

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